My mother died on January 7 as
two of my sibs and I sat by her bed, holding her hands and surrounding her
with our love. It was a powerful and intense thing to witness the
life force leaving her over the course of one week - right before our
eyes, like a time-lapse of some kind – a high-speed diminishing of
her animating spirit.
At one point in the middle of the week,
things got more difficult for me. Although we had hospice and we were
able to manage her pain levels pretty well, every little thing she
wanted to say or do required monumental effort as the life energy
drained out of her. It was intense to bear witness to that. At one
point about midway in the week I became aware of my own growing
angst. I wanted to ease her suffering, make her dying easier for her
or make it go faster. I couldn't help but wonder how many times in my
life she watched me struggle, willing but completely unable to assist
me. I felt like some kind of midwife, “unbirthing” my mother.
I prayed “What can I do? How
can I help? How can I be more supportive for her process?” The answer popped
up so quickly, like it was waiting, just wanting me to ask: Be Present. Completely present. My
suffering, in that moment, was an obstacle to full presence,
awareness and love. She didn't need my suffering. She had
enough of her own struggle to deal with.
“Oh mom, I wish there was something
I could do to make this easier for you.” She opened her eyes and
looked at me. With a breathy exertion she pointed a finger, as if to
make her point and gasped quietly, “Honestly?... I'm going
to be alright.” Whoa! That was a wake up call for me to get
out of my personal drama and open to pure Presence.
I let go of being in control,
of being the doer, (or needing to be the doer) and let the infinite
guide me. When I open my heart in silence, I am no longer a vessel
that can be drained but a channel, a conduit. A channel for what? Love, grace,
clarity, inspiration, motivation, compassion, understanding.
Otherwise I am working merely from my emotional and intellectual brain
and I am at the mercy of whatever it creates.
This, then, is my religion, my most
fundamental belief: the most significant thing we ever have to offer
is Presence. To dedicate a life to being more fully present, clearly
aware, fully awake and available is the greatest gift we can give to
the world.
My next seminar March 28 – 30 at Christine Center (and all my offerings) builds on that. Cultivating Presence is a powerful direct route to a joyful life of depth and beauty, free from suffering. More information at smilingyogi.com.
3 comments:
Jenifer....that was so beautiful. I'm so glad that you were present with your mother when she passed...what a gift...and what a blessing. This week marked the 10th anniversary since we said goodbye to my father...the tears creep from the corners of my eyes. The birthing into something unknown is hard to witness. I was fortunate to be present at the birth of my twin granddaughters last February. What a gift that was...and as they grow...the sense of responsibility for what they need to learn to be well in this world is growing daily. Didn't know as much when I birthed my own children! :) The joys of living...knowing that all of us will have to pass out of this life is daunting as we enter that later time in our own lives. I wish I could join you at the Christine Center again...not sure that I can make it happen. But thank you for the blogs and contact. Appreciate you so much!
What a blessing to be present for the birth of your granddaughters! What a privilege! I love your words "the sense of responsibility for what they need to learn to be well in this world is growing daily." Oh how wonderful for you to recognize this and to be an integral part of that learning. Never undervalue your input in their lives. That too, is a blessing for all. And I hope can come to Christine Center. I just now returned from there and the love is alive! I am so filled with joy and gratitude!
Thank you for this post. It was moving, and so very wise.
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