Sun Salutations

Honoring The Process

Since my mom's passing (in early January) I haven't had a lot of energy for sharing, or for interacting – I've only wanted to sit quietly with this blanket of grief wrapped around me and stay present with the whole full-hearted experience. And that felt fine to me. 

Normally when I feel uninspired, sad, drained, or find my thoughts filled with negativity, it's usually an indication that I've become contracted and need to decompress, unwind and receive the blessings that surround me; that I need to come home to my self - back to a simple and pure awareness. But with death, feelings of loss and grief are natural, healthy even. I wanted to honor that, to show up for it respectfully and not suppress, repress or hurry it along. I wanted to breathe into it and let it take its time with me. So I did... and it did. 

Recently, with the first stirrings of Spring, I started to feel like it was time to move out a little. I was checking the website at The Christine Center and I spotted the seminar “for and by women” and felt drawn to it. I thought it might be just the thing for me to break out of my grief bubble: to be in a welcoming circle of women.

The Christine Center is a beautiful facility and the women who run it have spent many long years creating the space in their own hearts and in the facility, to hold us each in whatever way we show up – contracted, grieving, fearful, sad, in denial or in our radiant truth, in hatred or in love, in anger or in joy... someone will always be there to welcome and receive travelers. And so they were, as I entered into that circle on Friday evening and shared what brought me there.

Endings often open a door for new beginnings. Throughout the weekend, different women approached me with hugs, genuine condolences, and their own stories of grief, loss and moving on. I felt held, accepted, loved. Together we laughed and cried. I felt my spirit lighten up with the support of the circle. The high-level joy and love that is my true nature returned.

I followed my instincts throughout the process with my mom and it's served me well. I know the grieving process will continue in many different ways and on so many different levels, and I am ok with that. My mom has always been welcome in my life, my home, my heart – that will never change. However she shows up; as a feeling of joy, a memory, or even a sad sense of loss; I will always welcome her.

I wonder, have you been to The Christine Center - for my seminars or any others? What was your experience there? Please share a little for those who have never made the pilgrimage. I'd love to hear from you. Better yet, I'd love to see you in person at my seminar Nurturing Presence In Life. Through a simple set of asanas I will share some of the best things I've learned about cultivating Presence - from my teachers and my experiences in yoga. People are already registering for it. If you're not one of them, why not get your name in there too? Isn't it time you broke out of your winter rut and welcomed back your inherent joy? Do not worry about old age, stiffness, or feeling out of shape... as always, you are welcome to come as you are. Come and let your heart unfold in the circle of love. 

Leave a comment below, then check out my website for more details on the seminar for March 28 - 30 at Christine Center. I'd love to see you there.

On Presence

My mother died on January 7 as two of my sibs and I sat by her bed, holding her hands and surrounding her with our love. It was a powerful and intense thing to witness the life force leaving her over the course of one week - right before our eyes, like a time-lapse of some kind – a high-speed diminishing of her animating spirit.

At one point in the middle of the week, things got more difficult for me. Although we had hospice and we were able to manage her pain levels pretty well, every little thing she wanted to say or do required monumental effort as the life energy drained out of her. It was intense to bear witness to that. At one point about midway in the week I became aware of my own growing angst. I wanted to ease her suffering, make her dying easier for her or make it go faster. I couldn't help but wonder how many times in my life she watched me struggle, willing but completely unable to assist me. I felt like some kind of midwife, “unbirthing” my mother.

I prayed “What can I do? How can I help? How can I be more supportive for her process?” The answer popped up so quickly, like it was waiting, just wanting me to ask: Be Present. Completely present. My suffering, in that moment, was an obstacle to full presence, awareness and love. She didn't need my suffering. She had enough of her own struggle to deal with.

“Oh mom, I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you.” She opened her eyes and looked at me. With a breathy exertion she pointed a finger, as if to make her point and gasped quietly, “Honestly?... I'm going to be alright.” Whoa! That was a wake up call for me to get out of my personal drama and open to pure Presence.

I let go of being in control, of being the doer, (or needing to be the doer) and let the infinite guide me. When I open my heart in silence, I am no longer a vessel that can be drained but a channel, a conduit. A channel for what? Love, grace, clarity, inspiration, motivation, compassion, understanding. Otherwise I am working merely from my emotional and intellectual brain and I am at the mercy of whatever it creates.

This, then, is my religion, my most fundamental belief: the most significant thing we ever have to offer is Presence. To dedicate a life to being more fully present, clearly aware, fully awake and available is the greatest gift we can give to the world.

My next seminar March 28 – 30 at Christine Center (and all my offerings) builds on that. Cultivating Presence is a powerful direct route to a joyful life of depth and beauty,  free from suffering. More information at smilingyogi.com.